New beginnings...

Its been some time.

Since my last post, their has been a lot of happenings in my world. I lot that I simply couldn't talk about. A lot that I couldn't find words for. A lot of emotions that I had to sort through.

I got the job of a lifetime.
I completed my bedroom.
I've enjoyed a great friendship.
I've caught up with other great friendships.
I've spent time by myself.
I've spent time with those I love and cherish.
I turned 35... jury is still out on that one.

I'm about to start the next chapter in my life. It's scary. It's something so totally new. It's quite frankly a bit overwhelming. Being the fixed person I am, I don't feel comfortable with the unknown. It's so totally strange. The feeling of excitement and freedom from the world I once knew has now shifted. This is new. Wow, all new. Weird.

I'm so very excited to meet new friends, try new things. Have a different variation to my day and my work. I'm excited to be able to look to the future and find that I can afford to do some of the things that I was once a part of, to say I have a future, Wow.

I want to get back into the studio... if they'll have me.

It's not necessarily a want but rather a need. Its hard for me to paint in my home. So many things that needs done around here that I enjoy to do, but very difficult for me to settle my thoughts into painting in this environment. Painting for me is extremely cathartic, however... being in the right frame of mind has been a focus problem. To cleanse my thoughts of all the days and settle the heart.... I need this, though I'm still not there within these walls. Reclaiming has been a focus. Not only in my home, but in my house... within my walls.

Still extremely guarded. I will be for a very long time. I'm ok with that, but I don't want to miss the new opportunities that abound in front of me. I will miss my dear friends at Fine Line. They certainly were a second family. Ten and a half years.... I was just a kid when I started there. I'm still a kid I think, but just a little older. A lot more under my belt. A lot more expectations out of myself and others. A lot "harder" around the heart. Some of that makes me sad, but then I remember.... all of it makes me who I am, though certainly not perfect in any stretch... I know that I am a good person.

These last few days before I start my new adventure has been rather.... reflective. I've not really wanted to talk to anyone, see anyone, experience anything. I've just wanted to be still. To focus. To come to terms with the stuff that holds me back. I'm not happy about a few things and I want very dearly to change that. I feel its been a thought purging vacation. To rid myself of the "I don't know..." feelings. To move onto the "I am" sector. That in and of itself is frightening.

Its hard for me to say out loud that I am frightened or scared. Those that know me I know you agree. I'm a very stubborn, bullheaded sort... to a fault. I'm too proud of a person to ask for help. I don't ask very often, and when I do... I know I truly need it. I need help in ways that no one can do it for me. I need that inner "I am" to come to surface again. Its floating its way to the top and I very much look forward in meeting that person inside me again.